This weekend was strawberry-rhubarb pie. And, paella and jambalaya too. I like to de-stress by cooking, because it makes me feel grounded in reality. Doing something instead of reading, writing or studying about something. I should be working on my project and studying but, I am in avoidance mode. I really wonder what happened to that woman who use to always on top of assignments and always always got things done early. She isn't here anymore. Perhaps too much school and work and not enough play made me this new way. It is nearly here - my graduation. July 27th, I will graduate. It feels too good to be true - so close. And yet I have these things to complete, to do and get them over with so that I do finally complete this journey. Ah. I do really want to finish this next chapter and at the same time savor the last of this too. It is why I pushed up my National Boards Testing to October 23rd from July 31st. No way could I enjoy life, savor this last bit of school, and also be preparing for my National Licensing test. This blog marked a 3 year process for me but, mostly I didn't have time to write. I squeezed in my reflections and never really have had time to reflect while I have been in school. It has been so much harder than I had expected, maybe life is just always that way. I don't regret the journey now that I am nearly arrived but, it was a long, difficult and ego-busting process getting here. In 6-weeks I can really let out my sign of relief. Looking forward to doing it too.

It's all about food..... again

I must say PT school is way harder than I thought it was gonna be..... and right now I am looking at less than 6 months to complete my goal that I began in earnest 4 years ago (yeah..... on leap year day 2008!). And I must say I think I have more than 6 months of work ahead of me to complete.

I have been cooking to relax and cooking more than anything does it for me.

This little set... a bit of Spain in Albuquerque. Perfect Paella and lime custard pie with mint-lime blueberries & whipped cream. Ahh, delicious.

Been Busy....

>Nearly a year since I wrote a blog. I have been over-whelmed with school and also exhausted by juggling school with life. Somehow it is coming together because I only have 1.5 years to go. And the .5 is the end of the didactic studies and the last year is all clinical rotations.

Since my last blog I got through my first clinical rotation very well. I have worked through most of neurology which ended up being a lot more interesting and fun than I expected. I currently have just 3 weeks left until the end of school and so much to do it is frightening to me. I can’t possibly think I will get it done.

It is just amazing to think that I will be a 3^rd year PT student by August this year.

My next clinical rotation is in October this year and in beautiful San Francisco, California. I am really excited as well as nervous for the rotation. I feel like I have just forgotten all of my orthopedics and anatomy and I can barely retain this neurology information. I hope that as I work it comes back to me.

Another big challenge is finances. I look at the next 18 months and I am not sure how I am going to get through them. It takes money to live and it has been all out-go and no in-flow. I am amazed that I have made it this far with so little money. I hope to take that as a lesson on what I really need – it is so much less than what I thought.

Beignets - the fantasy, the myth, the food

For 40 years I have had a fantasy about beignets with cafe au lait, made in New Orleans at Cafe du Mode. I am sure this food fantasy came from my parents because aren't parents the root of all dysfunctional behavior? I am also very sure that hearing the word "beignet" started my life-long sickness - Francophilia.

My parents went to New Orleans for their honeymoon in August 1958. That's before refrigerated air, so my parents took their honeymoon in a Louisiana swamp in the summer. (This only begins to explain some of my life choices.) In spite of that, my parents were really impressed with the food and culture of New Orleans and especially the architectural beauty of the French Quarter. So much so that my dad built a back yard patio in the red brick and wrought iron style, including a gas lamp light, that is common in the French Quarter. And Creole and French cooking was something my mother aspired to do all the while I was growing up. So there it is, ingrained in my subconscious, New Orleans has always been to me mythic, romantic and the tastiest of cities. Beignets were "food of the gods" and Cafe du Mode was a slice of heaven within that mythic and romantic city.

So I did it. I went to New Orleans with a lover in June. Creating what I imagined was the absolute perfect back drop, romantic and swamp-like, to experience beignets with cafe au lait at Cafe du Mode. I am sure there were other reasons to go to New Orleans but, eating beingnets were foremost on my mind as I planned our trip. I envisioned eating beignets for breakfast, for dessert after lunch, for dessert after dinner and then of course as a midnight snack. I was sure I would be enamored with my fantasy food and that I would need to go to bed and wake up with the taste of beignets. Normand, who had been to New Orleans, told me to be open for eggs at breakfast and maybe bread pudding, mud pie or bananas foster for dessert. Poo-pooing his suggestions I held tight to my beignet fantasy.

Anyway, for the few people in the world that might not know it (like me), beignets are fried dough, served directly out of the fryer, covered by a mound of powdered sugar and usually accompanied by scalding hot cafe au lait.... the whole bunch <$5. (3 beignets, 1 cup of coffee). That's it. But, I had no idea until they were delivered to me at my corner table in Cafe Du Mode by a sweaty Vietnamese waiter on a romantic and hot summer night that I had been obsessing for 40 years about sugared fry bread.

VOODOO - the art of setting an intention

I am nearly completed with my first full year of graduate school in a profession I artfully, mindfully and wholly embraced. Yes, there are problems on the horizon and yes, there is no perfect job - I get that. However, I didn't run to this job out of fear of "not enough" but, I moved towards this profession/career/job with the idea of helping people to heal.

I have been immersed in a clinical rotation and I have 2 full weeks left. I have learned so much, I have gained so much confidence, I realize I can and will help people overcome their physical challenges and I like being at the job. It is exhausting but, I overall enjoy the job. A great big change.

going about the whole thing all wrong

"We aren't here to make things perfect...We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and die." - Cher, from the movie Moonstruck

I really like this sentiment. It perfectly embodies how I feel about my own life path: stumbling along, falling in love with the wrong people and breaking my heart at the things I attempt and fail doing. I must say that I am not sure about the ruining myself - not there yet. But, really for someone who has been caught up in the "perfection infection" it is good to read this sentiment over and over.

Opportunities Missed and then, Taken

Studying anatomy and orthopedics is mostly a solitary pursuit. The time alone gives me time to think and reflect on my life from way back when to now. I am not sure what is harder - trying to cram textbooks of information into my head and remember it or mentally reviewing my past choices and actions. Either way, they seem to happen together.

A couple of years ago I became invested into giving change a chance. Change is hard but not impossible. Seeing opportunities where I can be a better person or acknowledge where I fall down is a radical departure and a big change from the "old Suz".

It was over a candlelight dinner. I was with a man with whom I was crazy in love. That night he said that my love for him inspired him to be a better person. Which to date is the most intimate and amazing thing a man has ever said to me. However, I couldn't say the same thing back to him, not even close. In fact, I felt the exact opposite. I was with the man I considered my "true love" yet I was compromising my integrity just to be near him. So, I smiled and ate another spoonful of chocolate mousse with another sip of wine.

After that rendezvous, he returned home to his wife and kids in California and I went home to my life in New Mexico. Yeah, CRAZY in love. We had been doing this thing for over 5 years and only in that instant did I get clarity. Clarity isn't change it is just an opportunity. And mostly I never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity.

But, that moment and what he said was seared into my brain (Even today, I remember how the candle flickered and the sea air smelled as it wafted past our dinner table.) and it wasn't going away. I knew in that instant that is exactly how I wanted to feel about my lover. It is exactly the sort of person I wanted to be - better for knowing someone, not worse.

After too much time, rationalizations, high jinx and ultimatums I finally ended things between my lover and I - badly. But, I started things changing and rolling in a good direction for me.

I chose Physical Therapy as a new career because I was tired of feeling like my life was a series of compromises and not clear choices. And I was tired of being in a life that kept asking me to let go of my personal integrity.

I want to wake up every day knowing I will have the opportunity to help someone heal. I will have the opportunity to be a person who someone really will be better for knowing. This is my new definition for "true love".