Studying anatomy and orthopedics is mostly a solitary pursuit. The time alone gives me time to think and reflect on my life from way back when to now. I am not sure what is harder - trying to cram textbooks of information into my head and remember it or mentally reviewing my past choices and actions. Either way, they seem to happen together.
A couple of years ago I became invested into giving change a chance. Change is hard but not impossible. Seeing opportunities where I can be a better person or acknowledge where I fall down is a radical departure and a big change from the "old Suz".
It was over a candlelight dinner. I was with a man with whom I was crazy in love. That night he said that my love for him inspired him to be a better person. Which to date is the most intimate and amazing thing a man has ever said to me. However, I couldn't say the same thing back to him, not even close. In fact, I felt the exact opposite. I was with the man I considered my "true love" yet I was compromising my integrity just to be near him. So, I smiled and ate another spoonful of chocolate mousse with another sip of wine.
After that rendezvous, he returned home to his wife and kids in California and I went home to my life in New Mexico. Yeah, CRAZY in love. We had been doing this thing for over 5 years and only in that instant did I get clarity. Clarity isn't change it is just an opportunity. And mostly I never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity.
But, that moment and what he said was seared into my brain (Even today, I remember how the candle flickered and the sea air smelled as it wafted past our dinner table.) and it wasn't going away. I knew in that instant that is exactly how I wanted to feel about my lover. It is exactly the sort of person I wanted to be - better for knowing someone, not worse.
After too much time, rationalizations, high jinx and ultimatums I finally ended things between my lover and I - badly. But, I started things changing and rolling in a good direction for me.
I chose Physical Therapy as a new career because I was tired of feeling like my life was a series of compromises and not clear choices. And I was tired of being in a life that kept asking me to let go of my personal integrity.
I want to wake up every day knowing I will have the opportunity to help someone heal. I will have the opportunity to be a person who someone really will be better for knowing. This is my new definition for "true love".
